It’s Never Too Late

… to grow and maintain a beard you could lose a badger in. And that’s just the women.

Yes, that’s right, ladies. No more plucking or waxing required. You will learn how to grow a full beard the envy of all your girlfriends, and many of your male friends. You’ll find all the answers when you sign up for my Grab Two Great Handfuls Of My Fuzzy Face online course. Just follow the link. ūüĎČūüŹľ

My course is absolutely FREE, no hidden charges or catches. Although, when you get there, for a very limited period, you can choose to sign up for my Advanced Hirsute Secrets course for the early bird discount of $49. Yes, that’s $49 for access to all those, ummm, secrets. Although you need to sign up today, as the cost will return to the usual fee of $9,999 on Friday. [We are expecting this class to sell out, rather like myself, very quickly!]

PLUS! If you sign up today, you’ll also get the following BONUSES for FREE too: The Secret To Owning And Growing A Penis [value $299]; Are Those My Shoes: The Secret Of Maintaining Big Feet [value $499]; Navel Fluff Knitting Patterns [value $19]. Yes, that’s total bonus gifts of, uh, $2,314 for FREE if you sign up right now!

Did I say it was a secret? Yeah, it’s always secrets in these ads. Ummm, so you’re not ever allowed to tell anyone. Which is fortunate, because I’m also offering a massive 973% discount on my Don’t Ever Tell Anyone Anything That’s A Secret masterclass starting on Monday. So, for just $257 you can sign up secretly for this masterclass too. [Registration for this one has been open for just 24 hours and over half the spots have been taken already. Quick! Your very life and happiness, and my luxury skiing holiday in St Moritz, could be at stake!]

Obviously, I can’t tell you too much about the latter class. It’s, uh, a secret. But it’s definitely a masterclass. It will have, erm, experts, masters, classes and everything. And it will ultimately enable you to discern the value of any future masterclass offers you might see, while also providing you with a full understanding of how to discount and add bonuses to all sorts of crap.

Don’t delay. Book now!

Disclaimer: This is the small print. I’d make it much smaller, but this is the tiniest default font offered here. Ideally, I’d rather you could barely see it at all and just signed up for everything and regretted it later. Regret is fine, but you can’t get your money back. There will be a future secret masterclass course, highly discounted, entitled: No Refunds!

Note: It’s quite possible that I’ve seen too many sponsored ads on Instagram now. And I’ve gone quietly insane. If you’re reading this, please send help … uh, along with bonuses and sundry free stuff!

Evolution

Time changes everything, said someone quite well known once. I think. And, more infamously, What’s in a name?! once remarked The Very Reverend Bernie Stoatburgler. Meanwhile, What are you going on about now? is often said … well, by quite a lot of people to me when I’m talking.

Fortunately, my writing is a great deal tighter. So tight, even ducks would envy my pelvic floor, in terms of keeping the water out. Tighter than the Genesis tour t-shirt I bought when I first saw them back in 1981. In fact, even tighter than a …

Huh? Oh, yes … the point. Ahem.

Well, on/off for the past few weeks I’ve worked very hard on this website. In fact, I scrapped absolutely everything I had here previously. Started afresh! Out with the old in with the …

Uh, I didn’t do that intentionally, of course, I simply pressed the wrong button!

So, yes, partly by long lingering desire, and partly by sheer incompetence when it came to button pressing. [I can so relate now, Father Dougal McGuire, I can so relate!] As a result, doubtlessly millions* of people wondered where my website had gone.

*Numbers provided by Donald Trump. Very big numbers. Very amazing numbers. Numbers like we’ve never seen before numbers. Thanks Donald.

Anyhoo … what does this all mean? Well, a couple of things.

Firstly, I’ve neglected my website here for a little too long; ironically, as I felt it needed a significant reworking given the technological wanderings since its creation. [e.g. I built this pre-smartphone ubiquity, and if you’e ever tried to look at this website on a smartphone you’ll know its worked about effectively as our government’s Covid-19 response!] And, secondly, I have new work that I’m beginning to work on and felt it needed a more valuable platform than Instagram. Yes, Instagram, the place formerly known as a support to artists and creatives, subsequently bought by F*c*book and since rendered an increasingly unusable frog-in-a-blender commercial vehicle for Zuckerberg’s ongoing world domination desires.

Don’t. Mention. The. Algorithm.

Essentially, I’ve grown tired of shouting into the void there, so will instead, ummmm, shout into the void here. But it’s my void!

Please feel free to have a wander around. I’d really love to hear any feedback you may have, or just let me know if there’s actually anyone still out there – in theory, this blog was feverishly followed by 299 people. I do hope some of you might still be asleep at the bottom of the garden?

2017 Calendar & Print Offers!

At The Zoo : Watching The Animals

Inertia Creeps …

People who know me well will be aware that I’ve suffered with a chronic health issue for more than a couple of decades. [I don’t propose to bore you with the details here, but you can read a related blog should you wish to enlighten yourself further here.] Essentially, this has resulted in me working part-time and finances have always been … tight.

In 2012 my friends and family generously contributed to a surprise Oklahoma Tour Fund [for my 50th birthday], which enabled me to fly to Tulsa for the opening of the Where The Land Meets The Sea exhibition with artist Michelle Firment Reid.

Time has drifted on and my ability to create images has slowly been suffocated, mainly due to having a steam-driven computer! But after another year of stuttering [and spluttering], I have been driven to action. By the time spring rolls around I hope to have a GoFundMe crowdfunding campaign up and running. Unlike the time I relied purely on the generosity of my friends and family with nothing in return except my immense, humbled gratitude, this time I will be offering prints, books and other assorted planned ideas in return for contributions.

So, I’m beginning the process by following on from last year’s wonderfully successful single 2016 Calendar Auction by offering two new 2017 A3 Wall Calendars, alongside a choice of 10×8 inch fine art print.

The Calendars:

Street Photography

To The Dogs [A Tribute To Elliott Erwitt]

I’ve carefully selected a set of personal favourite Street Photography images, as well as a To The Dogs set as a personal tribute to Elliott Erwitt, whose images proved to be the gateway drug to my true love of photography.

There are THREE options for each calendar, as well as different prices to suit either UK or International shipping:

Option 1 : Street Photography OR To The Dogs A3 Calendar ONLY:

UK: £29.99

International : £32.99

Option 2 : Street Photography OR To The Dogs A3 Calendar PLUS 10×8 inch fine art print of your choice. [You can choose any of the images included in the calendar to have as an individual print.]:

UK: £49.99

International: £52.99

Option 3 : Street Photography AND To The Dogs A3 Calendars PLUS 2 10×8 inch fine art prints of your choice. [Choose one image from each calendar to have as two individual prints.]:

UK: £79.99

International: £84.99

IMPORTANT: All above prices include postage, packing and shipping. Preferred method of transaction via UK-based BACS system or PayPal. Please use the Contact details at the foot of the Enquiries page to order these items, or if you have any queries. Thank you!

Completion of orders to hopefully ensure delivery before 1st January 2017:

UK: 21st December 2016

South America / Asia / Eastern Europe: 7th December 2016

Australia / New Zealand: 10th December 2016

Western Europe / USA / Canada: 15th December 2016

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In The End

Space is pretty amazing, I think many would agree. Huh? No, not green space, or a parking space, or even personal space – all of which have their place – but space space, that really big black, shimmery thing up in the air where the stars and things live …

 

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Somewhere In Outer Space Tomorrow

 

It fascinates me. And I’ve been hugely fascinated by Rosetta, which ended its two-year space mission by crash landing onto the Comet 67P earlier today. You might recall it launched its own lander, Philae, which after a bumpy start has since returned extraordinary data. The comet is not only highly porous – like a vast pumice stone; it would actually float in water. But is thought to be made up from material billions of years old dating back to the creation of the solar system.

On the dark side of the comet they also discovered early outlets for both McDonald’s and Starbucks. It’s understood they were probably built there simply as a tax offshoot.

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The Camera Eye

Images possess the undeniable power to potentially focus minds. Few will be able to forget the sight of the lifeless body of 3-year-old Syrian refugee, Aylan Kurdi,¬†washed up on a Turkish beach in September 2015, or that of the Vietnamese ‘Napalm Girl’ [Kim Phuc – now 52-years-old and still undergoing¬†treatment for the horrific¬†injuries¬†she sustained in 1972], or that of the solitary figure that stood in front of the tank in Tiananmen Square, Beijing, during the 1989 student demonstrations.¬†

This weekend another extraordinary image emerged from a Black Lives Matter protest in Baton Rouge, Louisiana; the epitome of grace under pressure.

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Image: Jonathon Bachman/Reuters

And amidst the chaotic turmoil Рfollowing further black deaths at the hands of the police and the police themselves in Dallas Рthe value of such imagery can never be underestimated. And with them, the hope that in the focusing of minds, things can change.

At the weekend I took my own image during the Bristol Pride march and wrote my own thoughts on my Instagram feed under the heading All Lives Matter:

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“… the event itself felt … timely … healing. Whether you’re part of the LGBT community, black [especially in America right now], an immigrant [especially in the post-Brexit UK right now], or a refugee, or you suffer with mental health, or even if you’re a traumatised England football supporter [or maybe that should be ‘sufferer’, too, like me] we’ve all felt doubt, fear and persecution served in a soup of misrepresentation and lack of understanding, uh, drizzled with ignorance. There will always be extremes of views, and it’s a sad fact that most of these extremes are invariably attached to the loudest, foghorn voices. But if there’s a¬†crumb of comfort amidst any form of social chaos, maybe it’s that sometimes the quieter voices begin to be heard and the quietly complacent are less likely to keep sitting on their hands. We all have our individual lives but we will all ultimately stand or fall together.”

We live in a time where both still and video imagery are within relatively easy reach and can be immediately shared via social media; and despite the irritation often associated with their overwhelming saturation it can no longer be denied we now have the potential to inform, educate and shape debate and focus collective minds like never before.

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Here are a few additional thoughts generated from Followers as a result of my Instagram post:

Ena:¬†¬†“I believe that respect is something that we should teach children as well as ourselves – on daily basis, critical thinking and accepting our differences, zero tolerance to all kinds of violence… It sounds Utopian but peace, freedom and equal rights to all is something I would love to see during my lifetime.”

Jeff: “One day kids will say what was a pride march? They will be amused by racist stupidity (as their electronic DNA id will show 12 to 25 different nationalities). People are never more equal and accepting than when they are very young. Bigotry and hatred are learned behaviors and sadly undoing the teachings is almost impossible!”

Patrick: “Respect for all should be our battle. Battle of words and act of kindness towards the others . We are all different. This is our strength.”

Respect.

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Finally, in a sense that all our future hopes will be carried on the shoulders of the young and generations to come, I was incredibly moved to see another moment captured in the aftermath of the Euro 2016 final when this apparently inconsolable French fan was lifted from his own private torment: BBC clip

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