A Bird In The Hand

… means, uh, bird poo on the wrist.

Speaking of 💩. Sorry, I mean world-beating. It seems our government bought the Instagram algorithm [which I don’t see a problem with!!] to manipulat, uh, I mean calculate this year’s A-level results due to the pandemic. And it would appear it worked as brilliantly as the world-beating Track & Trace app the government tested on the Isle of Wight which had a mere statistical anomaly of 96% failure on iPhone!

So, I genuinely shudder to think how 🤬ed up the exams algorithm was when they panicked and moved the goalposts again just a couple of days ago. A staggering 36% of entries had lower grades than predicted. So the government suddenly threw in the potential for students to appeal if the estimated result was lower than their mock exam. Do what?

The clue is in the title there people! Mock … exam. Not only are they early in the year – with months of teaching/study to come – but all schools do them slightly differently too. And having worked in a state school for well over a decade I can assure you the tendency for a great many of the kids to not take mock exams too seriously is right up there with … well, the result of the government’s Track & Trace system!

Still, at least the universities might make more allowances, eh? Don’t stress kids. Simply head to UCAS, the, ummm, world-beating national university admissions service; all might still be fine. Website crashed within five minutes this morning!

Earlier on BBC 5Live, Education Secretary, Gavin ‘I went to private school so have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about’ Williamson, was asked who came up with the mock idea. Four times he was asked that question; four times he didn’t answer it but essentially waffled on about something else. How the hell do these people ever pass an exam themselves?!

Q. If the sum of the circle is equal to the square on the opposite two sides, what is the angle of x when the dangle is 38%?

A. William the Conqueror was the first Norman King of England and his favourite cheese was cheddar …

Result. Outstanding. Become a Conservative MP and formulate government policy for something that you have no awareness of in reality. And, don’t worry, when you’re found completely wanting, we’ll move you to another department.