It’s the kind of headline that would grab anyone’s interest. Well, it especially peaked my interest for a great many scientific and sociological reasons. And also as I’ve had a great deal of accidental, erm, exposure in this niche area of the blogosphere.
If I’m honest, my immediate thought was… I want one! Just imagine… I’d be able to have full sex with myself. Whenever I wanted. And in the afterglow, I could whisper breathlessly to myself ‘How was it for me?’. Not to mention what a great comeback it would now be for the person that shouted at me the other day when I criticised their shoddy parking ability with a cultured “Ahhh, go f*ck yourself!” Oh, yeah? Well… I might just go do that… uh, and enjoy it… so the joke’s on you buddy!
You may notice the Related Stories link at the bottom of the screenshot here:
Because, let’s face it, any man in this technologically enlightened future that found himself with the possibility of having his very own lab-grown vagina, breast implants and four hands… well, frankly, they’d never get out of the house in the morning.
And I know what you’re saying, this is all quite amusing, but where’s your hard evidence that man doesn’t simply sit in front of a computer all day utilising broadband to its full natural potential. And it’s simply wrong to characterise this brave new world in such a way. Sadly, the evidence is right here, on this very website…
Those of you who know me well – and are perhaps now looking at me with mildly disconcerted sideways glances – will know my passion for photography; and also my occasionally distracted written musings, with a soupçon of humour. [He is joking, isn’t he? Please tell me he’s joking! Or, more importantly, please tell me this isn’t purely autobiographical writing today?!] The reality is, my truly treasured followers and friends, that my website is almost never found for any of those things.
I once wrote a blog called The Man With Two Penises. Most of you who read it, doubtlessly chuckled at my discomfort. But I now feel I must apologise for all those people who stumble across my website with what I feel must be entirely different agendas. Here is a list of statistics of All Time search terms for discovering my site:
Stop laughing at the back!
And this isn’t an exhaustive list, this is just the top end of search returns. It’s almost reassuring to see my name actually nestling in at No.3 – albeit well down in the percentiles from the preceding man with two penises / man with two penis! And equally nice to see nige ollis photography sitting underneath skinless penis.
The list on these subtle variations is almost endless. And I’m now beginning to wonder just how many disappointed faces, quite possibly typing with one hand [who admittedly might now be cheered by the latest health news that more hands might become available in the future!], actually curse the accidental discovery of my photography.
As I say, the above list isn’t exhaustive, and the further down the returns you go the search terms that send you stumbling into my room become increasingly entertaining. My personal favourites, in descending order of returns are:
- man with two pennis : Not sure if they’re dyslexic perverts or coin collectors?
- man with two fully working penises : Well, if you’ve got a second one, I guess it should earn its keep, right?
- mouldy penis : I’m slightly bemused by that one, both in search reason and returning my site!
- dog barbed penis : Your guess is as good as mine!
- my friend’s hot mom catch me in bathroom masterbating : Uh, I think both searcher and myself might want a word with Google about that one!
And finally, the people who used these two search terms must’ve been incredibly disappointed: one man have two penises huge and dual penis and nurse.
Of course, hopefully, those of you reading and chuckling almost as much as when you read of my unfortunate operation will also now realise that this blog is purely a commercial sell out to get more hits. I mean, there must be enough keyword returns in here to send my server into virtual meltdown! Oh, and to anyone who might actually be interested in my photography, it’s over there —–> [pointlessly points]. Yeah, like they read down this far, eh?